Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Fact-Averse & Irony-Immune 2.0

"You are entitled to your opinion. But you are not entitled to your own facts."
– Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan

So it seems a blogger named Psycheout, a primary contributor to the blog I reference in my previous post - the awesomely delusional Blogs4Brownback (yeah, I'm mentioning you by name with a hyperlink so your Google Alert will go off, Psycheout) - took umbrage to some aspect of my previous post and called me an elitist snob.

And while it is exciting to have my readership expanded by almost 10% with the addition of Mr. Psycheout, the more exciting part is finally having a reader whose name I don't know and whose phone number I don't have. When you know all of your readers personally (my readership consists of my sister, my best friend from college, three co-workers - two of whom are also neighbors - and my wife) it isn't so much blogging as just being one step removed from broadcast emailing. So, I hope Mr. Psycheout can become a regular reader so that he may help me stay at least one pair of eyes above what I consider to be the minimum threshold of what can actually be called a "blog." The above characterization assumes he has has two eyes and not one. Or three. And that he's a, well, he.

But, to the matter at hand... I guess I'm guilty as charged. I am an elitist snob. We heliocentrists are well-known for thinking we're smarter than people who disagree with us. Something about facts and scientific proof and global fucking consensus for three millenia. Now, to be fair, he may have been just kidding. In fact, the whole web site could just be one huge joke on all of us tightly wound, humorless lub'ruhl types who just want to sternly scowl at anything fun. In fact, the whole website reads like sophomoric attempt at a Colbert-ish spoof of right-wing lunacy, incorporating everything from every tin-foil hat conspiracy theory about the Clintons ever to spew like diarrhea from the mind and mouth of every right-wing radio mini-Hitler (complete with insulting nicknames downloaded directly from Limbaugh's ass into their synapse-deficient brains) to the whole "Barack Obama is a madrassa-trained Muslim and nevermind his Christian minister Jeremiah Wright" to every single persecution-meets-inferiority-complex driven fruit-loop conspiracy theory about the non-white, non-Christian, non-hayseeds who appararently run the world (who are out to get all those hard-working white Christian males who don't live on the coasts) that has ever floated through the collective fever-dream imaginations of the whole of the right blogosphere. If they were good at mocking all of those things, it would be funny.

But it isn't funny. Not even a little bit. Devoid of humor, in toto. Irony-immune, as it were. Which makes me think I'm smarter than these doofuses, not because I disagree with their opinions (although I do) but because they have completely hare-brained, fact-free reasoning to guide them to those opinions. So, yeah, I'm a heliocentric elitist who looks down at these morons.

You getting all of this, Psycheout? That little gnawing suspicion of inferiority that ties your stomach in knots and keeps you awake at night and resentful of all you see around you...

...It's justified.

I can understand why you are... (how should I say it?) ...bitter. If you think we are making fun of you, having a hearty laugh at your expense, we are.

So yeah, I think I'm smarter. I think I'm smarter than someone who would, without the merest hint of irony, write this:
Condi Rice, probably the best Secretary of State ever, is seriously considering injecting new life into the McCain candidacy
And I'm definitely more perceptive than a person who would write this:
We’ve pointed out before that Barack Obama is likely a closet communist and a gay homosexual crackhead, and now Senate colleague Joe Lieberman even admits that he’s unsure whether the boy Senator is a Marxist. Frankly, I don’t blame him. Who can tell?
And I'm far less a gullible and sycophantic dimwit than any person who would so much as think, much less actually write, this:
The liberal defeatocrats and America hating loons are constantly trying to embarrass our fine leaders. Whether it’s cutting up President Bush’s speeches to make it sound like he’s misspeaking or blowing all out of proportion a minor misstatement. They have also cruelly attacked Vice President Cheney, claiming that he was trying to divide up Iraq and steal its oil, a nutty conspiracy theory to be sure, and made up an incident out of whole cloth, claiming that he said a bad word on the Senate floor, when he simply wished Senator Leaky Leahy the best of luck even after being provoked by the man. “Good luck, yourself,” said the amiable Vice President with a broad smile on his rugged face. For the record, Vice President Cheney would never lie, drink, smoke or gamble. And he would absolutely never curse. He is a very moral man.
Cheney? Moral? Amiable? Truthful?


Uh-huh. So, OK. Moving on...

And I'm infinitely more persipacious, not to mention astute, insightful, observant and adroit (Gawd, I love than a person who would write this:
I support the Bible, and I don’t want my children learning about Heliocentrism in school. I think this doctrine encourages atheism, Darwinism, and anti-Americanism. I don’t want my tax dollars going to finance this kind of false science. It’s complete rot, and I hope that those of us who come to realize this can ultimately prevail against its propogation amongst OUR children with the money from OUR salaries.
And behind the link for the above quote, BTW, you will find a post from a brainiac named Sisyphus who is evidently the founder of B4B (as they call themselves) with the eponymous slogan from the T-shirt that drove my previous blog entry. You really should go read the whole post because if it were actually witty or funny, it could be a clever impersonation of some deranged right-wing loon, but it isn't funny or witty.

At all.

In fact, he is deadly serious and it is kind of sickening. These people are seriously fucked in the head. Their slogan should be Holocaust denying flat-earthers for Jesus (and Sam Brownback). I can only presume they and their fellow-travellers are representative of Brownback's following, which makes his departure from the presidential race a real relief, though a sadness over comedy gold un-mined does linger. It just makes me morose for the state of health-care in America that these people can't afford the medications they need to lead normal lives, nevermind the irony of a deep-seated hostility to the very government programs which could help them.

And the comments section is a real hoot. A couple of smart folks dove in and tried to argue with those idiots, but as the old saying goes "Never argue with an idiot. Most people won't be able to tell the difference." Let me sum all up comments by saying that they conclude that believing that the earth orbits the sun means you hate America. I'm not kidding. Comment number 28. Wow.

So, having touched my toe into the toxic sewer of right-wing blogistan, I'm pretty sure I don't want to go back there any time soon, for hic sunt dracones.

So, if you're actually reading this, Psycheout, you win. I'm not going back to your site because you've got me beat. I concede. I'm frightened to the core of my being. I quake in the presence of your mighty intellect and how deeply it could damage my Tax-Raising, Latte-Drinking, Sushi-Eating, Volvo-Driving, New York Times-Reading, Body-Piercing, Hollywood-Loving, Left-Wing mind.

In fact, I'm going to stop writing this post right now so I can go invite over my Wiccan friends to watch some gay porn with me while we snort cocaine off pictures of Dale Earnhardt with rolled up pages from the Book of Job (we like to save Genesis, Corinthians and especially Psalms for cleaning up after a really messy crap) while we all sit around, sipping cups of warm virgin blood, talking about how much we hate the troops and Amerika and anything that's good or moral. Like Jerry Falwell. Later, after they leave for France, I'll wile away a couple more hours fantasizing about a really nasty porno-style three-way between me, Hillary and Obama. Once satisfied with the depth of my own depravity, I'll finally be able to relax enough to concentrate on my nefarious plan for global conquest via a rigorous regimen of rejecting Christ as my personal savior, pissing on pictures of Ronald Reagan, and burning every American flag I can find - for which the Jews pay me really well, let me tell you what, because I'm able to tithe so fucking much money to Nation of Islam, Planned Parenthood and National Organization for Women while simultaneously maintaining both my ACLU and my Jane Fonda fan-club memberships. Then I'll call Barbra Streisand to tell her all about it.

I guess I should be more grateful to America for giving me such opportunities. You really have opened my eyes, Psycheout.

Salam Alechem, my bruh-thuh.

1 comment:

Izzy O'Rainey said...

Regretfully, I followed the link to Blogs 4 Brownback.

Sometimes I like to think that Republicans are like my Dad. Set in their ways but goodhearted and fair.

I think my Dad was the last one, may he rest in peace.

Dear psuckout...I'm a liberal who owns guns...plural.